Weigh in Thursday

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it as weigh in wed, but I totally forgot to weigh in yesterday.  That may have to do with the fact I was up four times in the middle of the night with a sick dog.   :(  She's feeling better, but I'm still tired from no sleep.

Anyway, today's weight was 255.6.  So moving in the right direction.  Still haven't been eating well, but started a new exercise class this week.  Russian Kettle bells.  It was sooooo hard, but still fun.  Hardest workout I think I've ever done, even harder than Body Pump.  Three days later and my muscles are still sore.

Weigh in Wednesdays

Didn't get around to posting last week, probably snice it wasn't a good weigh in, but I have to keep myself accountable.  This week wasn't any better.

                         6/11: 257
                         6/18: 258.4


So on the upswing.  It's all just emotional eating.  My band is actually in a good place, restriction wise.  But it's soooo easy to eat ice cream, cookies, candy bars.  All stress eating, all the time basically.

Weigh in Wednesday

Wasn't looking forward to getting on the scale today.  not like I'm incredibly eager on any day, but the last couple of days have  not been good food wise. totally emotional eating, ice cream, candy bars...

so I was pleasantly surprised to see 255.0. Down 2.4 pounds since last week! YIPPEE!!! 

The highest I had seen on the scale recently was 260, I can't rememember what date that was probably around the 14th.  So five pounds in about three weeks, not amazing, but a good start.

I bought a dress size XL, I can fit into it, but a few too many rolls, even with shapewear.  Hopefully I will wear it soon.  I'll post a picture when I do.

Late weigh in and stuff

I weighed in on wed but never got around to posting on here.  Anyway...257.4.  So down a little bit from last week.  Just need to keep it going in the right direction.

Life is just crazy.  I want to move on with me life, but promised my husband that I wouldn't file for divorce until he found a job.  I know he's looking, but it's just taking time.  I feel stuck.  I don't know how long I can keep this up.  It's not the being married part, it's living together.  Financially it doesn't make sense to live separately, but just want to be free.

So emotional eating is still pretty bad.  At least I'm recognizing it for what it is. Now need to stop it.  Easier said than done.

I met with a lawyer this week to better understand the whole process.  Seems pretty straight forward.  Luckily for me my work offers a free consult and 25% off all fees after that. 

So nothing up lifting or inspitational from me today, maybe next week will be better.

Two Years Ago Today...

I has surgery that changed my life forever. It's been awhile since I've been on here, and there's a reason for that...I've felt like a failure. I got on the scale this morning and it said 258.6.

I've been on a slow but steady rise for the last almost 10 months. I didn't want to admit that I was struggling, big time, I didn't want to be just another statistic of failed weight loss surgery.

But today, as I look back on the last two years I can see that I'm not a failure. I am still a work in progress. I may have gained some of the weight back, but at 2 years out I am still 70 pounds lighter than I was when I started this journey. For today I will take that as a win. I still want to get back to where I was (100 pounds lost) and maybe more, but for now I have to celebrate how far I have come, not how far I still have to go.

These last few months have been a rollercoaster. Emotional eating has gotten out of control. I just went back to see the PA and get a fill for the first time in almost 7 months. I lost the first two weeks after, but saw a small gain this morning. I shouldn't be surprised... I did east that pie and ice cream almost every day this past week after all.

I'm going to be a weight loss statistic in another way as well. I have asked my husband for a divorce. We had problems before my surgery, he was never supportive of my surgery/journey to be healthier. I came to the realization that we were not in a healthy relationship. Part of the regain had to do with him not being supportive of my new eating/exorcise habits. I'm not going to blame him completely, he didn't force me to eat or stop working out, but the stress our relationship cased played a big part in it.

We are still living together as he has been out of work since last fall. I don't think it's right to kick him out. I don't hate him, I just don't love him and don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. Until he finds a job we will continue to live together. I just hope that's soon. I want to get on with MY life, and MY journey and not be weighed down by his issues anymore.

I am trying to get back on track, coming back to this blog was a hard thing for me to do. The support I got here was more than I ever got at home, and I can use all the support I can get right now.

@#$*@#$!@#$!

239.2

Friday Funny

So I didn't make it to body pump wed...well I made it there, but when I went to change I realized I didn't have any pants :( what I thought were black workout capris was actually a t shirt.

yesterday I started the Desk to 5K program at work. It was a mile on the track (5 laps). I did three laps walking an two "running". I downloaded a new app to help with the runs, it's called Zombie Run. It's fun, it tells a story of being in a compound that is surrounded by zombies. You ahve to go out and gather supplies. if the zombies get close you have to run to get away or lose what you have collected. you use your supplies to build up your compound...so it's a game as well. hopefully it will encourage me to keep running.

after the mile I was going to go to the Hip Hop zumba class, but the instructor never showed up. Instead of leaving I hopped on the elliptical machine and did 20 minutes.

today is going to be light on exercise. we are going to a minor league baseball game after work, so I won't get in a workout today. there's always tomorrow right?

UGH

Weighed in this morning at 237.2

Wrong direction. Down, but not out...going to Body Pump today, haven't been since I burned my hand. Hand is much better, going to be a heck of a scar for a while, but blister never popped and things are healing nicely.

I did make an appointment for another fill, but couldn't get in until sept 11. That gives me a couple of weeks to get back into good eating habits (fingers crossed) before I see them.

New Goal!

I've been so focused on the 100 pound mark and that freaks me out for some reason. So instead of 100 pounds right now I want to lose 20 pounds. that's what I will focus on, just 20 pounds. Much more doable than 100 (even though I've already gotten to the 90+ mark). Hopefully this will help me get over this slump I've been in. I'm starting from last weeks weight of 235.4, but i'll be counting up not down, if that makes sense. Hopefully tomorrow the pounds lost number will go up, fingers crossed.

Eating better will also help that.... still need to work on that. Today I've had two candy bars. One at breakfast on one in the afternoon. UGH!!! Maybe tomorrow will be better.

weigh in Wednesday

Todays weight: 235.4

Moving in the right direction. Wish it was more, but still eat like crap in the last week. Much better than the week before, but still too much crap!

Haven't been able to go to Body Pump this week since I burned my hand. There's a reason they put that "Surface Hot" light on the stove. It means Hey STUPID DON'T PUT YOUR HAND ON THE BURNER!!!!!!!!! Wasn't thinking and went to wipe up a spill after my husband cooked breakfast Sunday morning. It's not too bad but I have a decent sized blister on the base of my thumb. Trying to keep the blister from popping so no Body Pump this week. Migraine yesterday so no Zumba either. Plan is to go to zumba on thursday, not sure what to do fri...

I signed up for my first 5K of the fall. I also signed up for a 5K training that the gym at my work is doing. I think that starts next week. I need to get back to actually running. Maybe i'll start the Ease into 5K on Friday.

Self Sabotage

This weeks weigh in:  236

Yep, you read that right up 3 pounds from last week... must be water wight or increased muscle right?


NOPE, it's real.  Want to know how I know?  Because this is just some of the crap I've been eating in the last week:

Ice cream, at least 4 out of the past 7 days (and one occasion twice in one day)
Peanut M&Ms (at least two different times)
Kit Kat Minis (at least two times)
Pastry...three of them in one sitting!!!
movie popcorn...so much more than I needed
cereal, lot's of cereal
coffee cake (4 days out of 7)


I know better, so why do I eat it... cause I want to! It tastes good!


It's like when I got close to 100 pounds I gave myself permission to eat anything and everything, and once I hit 100 pounds lost (barely) all bets were lost.

I've done this before, lost weight gotten to a goal and then started back down the path of gaining.  I don't want that to happen again, but how do I stop it?

I know rationally just don't eat the crap, or eat in moderation, but I seem to have lost that ability.  I'm hungry!!!

Probably time for a fill, but sometimes it's not just physical hunger, but just cause something appeals to me. How do you break that cycle once you've started?  I keep telling myself I will be better, but just doesn't work.

I think part of my problem is exercise.  I have been working out  like a fiend:

monday: body pump
Tues: Zumba
Wed: derby lite
Thurs: zumba
Friday: body pump
Sat/sunday: long walks with the dogs, some skating

exercise is good, but in my case I use it as an excuse to eat more... In my mind I deserve that candy or ice cream because I worked out hard.

so my plan is this:

Call for a fill, not a big one, but just a little to top me off.  maybe help with the physical hunger I'm feeling between meals.

Cut back on exercise...I know to some people this may be counter intuitive, but hopefully I can break the cycle of working out to eat.  my new plan is this:

   Mon or Fri: Body Pump     
   Tues or Thurs: Zumba
   Sat or Sun: Zumba
   Random days: skating (Derby Lite is on break for a month, doesn't start back up until September :(.       So I'll just be going to the rink for free skate hopefully once a week).

How to stop the mindless eating...that's what I need help with.

Trying to get back on the bandwagon

As you can see from me ticker my weight has gone up a little...only 5 pounds since my lowest, but it's taken back down below the 100 pounds lost mark.

Not sure what's going on, it's been more that a year and my loss has been amazing, it's just....blah...


I'm eating things I never did before...pastry, coffee cake, more ice cream than I care to admit...

Self sabotage much?  It's like when I hit 100 pounds all the rules went out the window. Guess what when you eat crap you gain weight, you'd think I'd have that figured out by now huh?

The one thing I've had in my favor is my exercise.  I've been a workout fiend.  I think I was giving myself permission to eat more because of the workouts.

So onward and downward I go.  I need to get back to blogging and logging my food in MFP.  Accountability, that's what I need.  I need to go back the basics, I can do this just have to get back on the bandwagon.

How's everyone else doing?  What have you done to encourage yourself?

Anyone know if any newbie bandster bloggers?  I need to get some revived band love and I think newbies are great for that.  So if you know of any new bandsters or soon to be bandsters let me know so I can follow along.

Weigh in Wednesday and a shameless plug

It's been a while since I've posted... life its getting busy and I've been kind of funky.  Nothing too bad, but just a little funky.

anywhoo... I had my one year follow up visit on May 29th.  My surgeon was thrilled with my progress, says I'm doing awesome!  That was good for me to hear.  Sometimes I focus on how far I still have to go, and not how far I have already come.  So my weight on 5/29 was...230.4, down 98.6 pounds in one year.  So close to 100, but not quite, still incredibly happy.


I have been slacking with my exercise in the past couple of weeks, and food choices could have been better.  As I said before life has been crazy busy.  So I thought I should hop on the scale this morning to check and see where I am.  To my surprise I saw...

228.4

HOLY MOLY!  That's 100.6 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now onto my shameless plug.  I recently became a rep for Miche.  I've loved their purses for years, so I signed up to sell them.  They are great because you can change the look of your purse without having to move all your crap from one purse to another.  You start with a base bag, and just change the shells to create different looks.

If you wouldn't mind liking my site on Facebook I would greatly appreciate it:

https://www.facebook.com/ColleenCurrieIndependentMicheRepresentative

I have my launch party open right now and I can ship anywhere in the country.  Let me know if you have any questions.

One Year Ago...

I changed my life forever and had my lap band placed.  It hasn't always been easy, but it always has been worth it.  Here are the pics to prove it!

May 20, 2012

May 20, 2013

Before pic was 4x top and 3x bottom, 12 month pic is xl top and bottom.

I don't have an official weigh loss, that won't happen until next week when I go to the dr for my one year follow up.  I know I'm somewhere between 95-100 pounds lost.  One year ago I wouldn't have thought that was really possible.  I had no real idea of how this journey was going to go, I just knew I was going to change.

I'm still working on getting to my goal of under 200 pounds.  That is about 30 pounds still to go.  I don't know if that's where I'll want to maintain, or if I will want to lose more.  Just taking things one day at a time.

I'm not perfect with my food choices, but that in itself is my choice.  I know I will do better in the long run if I don't forbid myself anything.  I'm learning moderation.  I can eat what I want, just not huge portions.  That will be the key for success:  moderation, not deprivation.

I cheated

We had a friend stay with us this weekend... so I had to clean the guest bathroom. I couldn't resist the call of the scale (I keep it in the guest bath so I don't have to see it everyday) .

Anywho... I saw 229.8. I'm not going to count this as an official weighing. But...OMG that would be 99.2 pounds. I've got almost 2 weeks until my official one year weighin. Hoping to hit the century mark officially then.



Oh and to be honest I'm not perfect with my eating... I had an ice cream sundae for dinner tonight.

Non weigh in wednesday

Continuing the avoidance of the scale for another week.  It's gotten easier, I don't hear it call to me as much anymore.  Next weigh in will be in two weeks when I go in for my one year follow-up visit.  Crazy isn't it that it's been a year already.  Time really does seem to fly by the older I get.

This past weeks activity:

Wed:          Derby Lite
Thurs:        nothing, nadda, zippo
Fri:             Lifted weights for 20 minutes
Sat:            Zumba toning and walked the dogs 45 min
Sun:           walked the dogs 60 min
Mon:          20 min run on the treadmill (alternating 5mph and 4 mph)
Tues:         Zumba

I had to skip personal training this week and I'm glad. I've been battling a cold for the past week and I haven't had much energy.  Feeling much better, but still have the sniffles that won't go away.

Wearing a pair of pants that last week I could wear, but was afraid to bend over too quickly in fear they would split up the back.  This week they fit, maybe even a little loose.

Funny Friday

I missed personal training session this morning, and can't get to the other exercise class I wanted to take today, so this (hopefully) will be me this evening.  Looks like rain, so I may have to run on the treadmill instead of outdoors with the dogs.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Non-Weigh In Wednsday

First, thanks for all the comments.  It's nice to know that people understand.  It's hard to explain that feeling to someone who has never struggled with their weight and self image.  I tell myself I keep putting myself out there in the hopes that one day I won't have to worry about what other people are thinking about me, because I'm comfortable in my own skin.

It was very hard to resist the scale this morning, but I did.  Not scheduled to weigh in again until 4/29. So instead I'm going to re-cap my exercise for the past week.

Wed: Derby Lite
Thurs:  Nothing...went to a Gordon Lightfoot concert
Friday:  Person training...30 minutes of hell
Saturday:  60 minute walk with the dogs
Sunday: 45 minute walk with the dogs
Monday: 30 min "run" plus 10 minute walk
Tues: 60 min Zumba

So pretty good exercise week.  Food wise it was ok.  Struggling with wanting to eat things I shouldn't.  Sometime I give in, some times I don't.  Need to get to the point when the not giving in times out way the give in times.

Oh, and I'm in all day meeting today with a panera danish sitting right in front of me and a coffee cake at the next table.  So far I've resisted those, but I did give in to a warm chocolate chip cookie.  Need to be satisfied with the cookie, and not have more crap!

An accomplishment and a meltdown

So over on the left side of my blog is my Ease into 5K updates.  As you can see, as of yesterday I have complete all 8 weeks!!!!  You can also see that it's taken me a lot longer than 8 weeks.  That's OK.  I went at my own pace, I repeated (lots of) weeks.  I took time off, but in the end I did it.  I "ran" 30 minutes without stopping.  Of course I forgot to wear my Fitbit, so I have no idea how far I actually went.  Oh well, I'll have to do it again and make sure I wear it.

When I started Ease into 5K I thought there was no way I was ever going to be able to run for 30 minutes.  I had an incredible hard time running 30 seconds!  So for any of you out there who says they could never run 30 minutes, just try.  You don't have to succeed on the first try, but as long as you try you have succeeded.

I got this from Sarah over at Thinfluenced...go check her out, she's cool!

Ok, so that was the accomplishment, now onto the melt-down. I have been wanted to write about this, but struggle to be able to.  I seem to only write about the good things, my victories, but it's not all rainbows and kittens.  I try not to focus on the negative, but it's there.  I don't want to mislead anyone, this has been hard, so very hard, and I still struggle every day.  It's not easy for me to admit that, but let's be honest.  Sometimes things suck...suck big donkey balls!

I have been trying lots of different types of exercise, including the Ease into 5K mentioned above.  The thing is when I "run"  I go very slow, I mean people walk faster than I "run" slow".  That's usually ok, because I'm by myself.  I signed up for a program at work called Spring into 3.1, to help you prepare for a 5K.  Each week we meet on the track and workout together.  

I'm always the slowest one there, ALWAYS, and I mean by a lot.  I try not to let it bother me, but it does.  And these last two times I've gone I almost left in the middle of the workout because I was so embarrassed by how slow I was compared to everyone else. You see we are on a track that is in the middle of a bunch of buildings, so potentially lots of people could be looking out at us (and me).  

I know what you are thinking, that no one was paying any attention to what was happening on the track.  But in my mind, I'm positive that people are looking at me (and laughing at the fat girl trying to keep up with everyone else).

So two weeks in a row I had to stop running, gasping for breath, wanting nothing more than to walk away.  I think to myself, what the hell am I doing?  Why do I set myself up for this failure/humiliation?  Why am I out here? 

Putting myself out there is so hard for me. I struggle every say with feeling like I don't fit in because of my weight. I'm trying to work past those feelings, but it's hard.

Good news is I didn't walk away.  I took my time, but I kept going.  I may be slow, but I'm resilient.

Weigh in Wednesday

I'm still on a break from weekly weigh-ins, but I am going to weigh at the beginning and end of the month.  So today's weight:

234.8

That's down 0.2 pounds from last week when I when I weighed in at the dr.  I won't weigh again until I have my next dr appt on the 29th.  That will be for my 1 year visit, hard to believe that it's been almost a year since surgery.

I had set a goal to be 100 pounds down by one year.  Probably not going to happen, it would be 5.8 pounds in 4 weeks.  It's doable, but with the rate i've been losing at not likely.

That's ok, 100 pounds or the 94.2 pounds I'm at now is still almost unbelievable!  

I had some great luck at Goodwill last weekend.  Two pairs of work pants, one pair of casual capris and three tops to wear to work.  all for the grand total of $24.00.  Everything looks new, and all of it was from the "regular" section and not the plus.  I wore one outfit yesterday top was an xl and pants were a 16.

The pants I'm wearing today will be retired.  They are so big they are falling off, and the hems are dragging on the ground.  Glad I got some new pants!