An accomplishment and a meltdown

So over on the left side of my blog is my Ease into 5K updates.  As you can see, as of yesterday I have complete all 8 weeks!!!!  You can also see that it's taken me a lot longer than 8 weeks.  That's OK.  I went at my own pace, I repeated (lots of) weeks.  I took time off, but in the end I did it.  I "ran" 30 minutes without stopping.  Of course I forgot to wear my Fitbit, so I have no idea how far I actually went.  Oh well, I'll have to do it again and make sure I wear it.

When I started Ease into 5K I thought there was no way I was ever going to be able to run for 30 minutes.  I had an incredible hard time running 30 seconds!  So for any of you out there who says they could never run 30 minutes, just try.  You don't have to succeed on the first try, but as long as you try you have succeeded.

I got this from Sarah over at Thinfluenced...go check her out, she's cool!

Ok, so that was the accomplishment, now onto the melt-down. I have been wanted to write about this, but struggle to be able to.  I seem to only write about the good things, my victories, but it's not all rainbows and kittens.  I try not to focus on the negative, but it's there.  I don't want to mislead anyone, this has been hard, so very hard, and I still struggle every day.  It's not easy for me to admit that, but let's be honest.  Sometimes things suck...suck big donkey balls!

I have been trying lots of different types of exercise, including the Ease into 5K mentioned above.  The thing is when I "run"  I go very slow, I mean people walk faster than I "run" slow".  That's usually ok, because I'm by myself.  I signed up for a program at work called Spring into 3.1, to help you prepare for a 5K.  Each week we meet on the track and workout together.  

I'm always the slowest one there, ALWAYS, and I mean by a lot.  I try not to let it bother me, but it does.  And these last two times I've gone I almost left in the middle of the workout because I was so embarrassed by how slow I was compared to everyone else. You see we are on a track that is in the middle of a bunch of buildings, so potentially lots of people could be looking out at us (and me).  

I know what you are thinking, that no one was paying any attention to what was happening on the track.  But in my mind, I'm positive that people are looking at me (and laughing at the fat girl trying to keep up with everyone else).

So two weeks in a row I had to stop running, gasping for breath, wanting nothing more than to walk away.  I think to myself, what the hell am I doing?  Why do I set myself up for this failure/humiliation?  Why am I out here? 

Putting myself out there is so hard for me. I struggle every say with feeling like I don't fit in because of my weight. I'm trying to work past those feelings, but it's hard.

Good news is I didn't walk away.  I took my time, but I kept going.  I may be slow, but I'm resilient.